| Here we go again. |
[Feb. 8th, 2008|09:04 am] |
I am so good at the on and off. I get discouraged to easily. If something isn't working quickly enough for me I give up. I am always in a rush to get results. It is not realistic.
Maybe this time things will be different. But I doubt it.
I have been taking Hydroxy-Cut for a couple weeks now. Not super consistently. Taking pills 3 times a day can be difficult for my schedule. I started at 134.6 and at next weigh in I was 132.4. Then back up to starting weight and today I am back down to 132.4. I hate yo-yos.
I hope to be around 120-125. The sooner the better.
I am thinking about getting Lida. I have heard some good things about. And it is only one pill a day, much more manageable for me.
Lets try to stick with it this time.
Lets try to actually lose some weight.
Lets try to feel good about ourselves.
It will be about time.
xoxo |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2006|10:05 pm] |
I hate being home alone. I could have gone out. I didn't. Instead I ate a peanutbutter and fluff sandwich and looked at pictures of girls I could never be. In retrospect I guess it is better than the amount of calories I would have consumed in alcohol and drunk munchies. Not that it matters, I am fat and always will be. No matter how I cut back, no matter how much I starve myself. I will lose the weight, I have before. Then I just slowly gain it back. I think I am destined to have this gut, these thighs, the lovehandles that hang over my pants. No matter how many diet pills I consume...is it even worth it.
I am dreading summer with its tank tops and bathing suits. I miss being 113 pounds. I don't care if people thought that was too thin. There is no such thing. Even then I wasn't happy. I kept thinking, 'I just to need to lose three more pounds'. And then I would have thought, 'I just need to lose five more pounds'. 105 pounds. That is what I wanted. I was so close. I am pretty sure one of my thighs weighs more than that now.
What. Went. Wrong.
And I want to go back to Africa. I want to go back and not just stay for a month, I want to go back and make a difference. I want to save the wildlife and teach the children and just see every square inch of every country. For those who have not been...go. There is no other place in the world like it. Going would be throwing away the life I have now. I would have to wait at least a year, I have a new lease for a new house. I have a boyfriend who I love and have loved for three years. Would he understand? Would he come? Would he wait for me?
Africa is true perfection. I romantize it because it is a place I hold so close to my heart. I know there is a lot there that is far from perfection, but even that is breath taking. To be there is to enter a new world. A world of poverty, distrust, crime, beautiful sunrises with sunsets to match, poaching of endagered wildlife while at the same time this wildlife is roaming free - all around you, prejudice, displacement of local people, forests, rivers, deserts, beautiful people (I can not stress enough the beauty of these indigenous people), the list could go on for miles.
I fell in love the moment I stepped off the plane, my heart has been there ever since.
But I'm not there. I am home. Alone. Wearing nothing but undies and my boyfriends sweatshirt. Tonight I will close my eyes and dream of everything I wish I could be and all the places I wish to be. |
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